The first 2 years after the rape had happened, I noticed I moved into SUPER high nova sex drive and needed, craved and wanted sex all the time. It was as though this area of my body was an empty vessel and there was no energy able to come through in my spirit to fill myself. Although it had felt as though I was just super sensual and able to channel my kundalini to a peak. Perhaps this is true, but I see now that there perhaps was a black hole there and there was nothing coming in or going out, and in a sense my body needed the energies of others in order to heal that empty space. The 1st year after a rape, a human's body, a woman in particular, is unable to feel the trauma in herself. It is as though it never happened and remains a void, however, the following year and especially the 3rd year after the soul has completely caught up with the event and the need and desire for comfort, support and nurturing is at an ultimate high to feel loved, supported and cared for and to help the emotions of the trauma leave and love to return. However, as a Dakini, and being a single mom, I did not get the support I needed to heal the trauma. I had to deal with it all on my own, heal it all on my own, and be a giver, nurturer to others at the same time. My comfort was in giving to others and this was my way of receiving some of the support I needed. However, it was never the depth that my spirit, heart or body truly needed, and a small hour or two was always just a tease and taste of what my body truly craved. It in a sense was running on an empty bucket. Having a wounded father for my child, who was unable to have the ability for empathy to give for someone such as this made it almost impossible to heal. However, I AM a Warrior, and would not give up, for I knew who I was before, and being a Healer when this happened, I learned a great lesson: TO ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INTUITION even if others want to be with you, be with your energy and spend time with you. Sometimes when you are integrating from a powerful healing training, it is BEST to spend time alone, and truly integrate all the vibrational healing that one experienced, and giving in to others that "want" to spend time with you, may in fact harm you so much more. And for myself as a Spiritual Healer, I had to truly forgive myself for giving in to someone who harmed me, whom I had trusted. And, the same lesson showed up in my son's father.
I spent the past few days with another amazing Healer, and he truly helped my yoni open, and shed its tears, for crying out the blame I had placed not on my rapist, or on my son's father who was raping me energetically all this time, but I had placed the blame on myself for having chosen these individuals and trusting them when in truth they should not have been trusted. The forgiveness showed up as I received nurturing healing this past weekend, in my womb that normally would have been in pain for 2 weeks after having sexual contact, and this time my womb was pain free! My Beloved friend who shared intimacy with me, cared for me, gave me energy healing on my womb, and his light was SO strong that I was able to release the emotions that my yoni had armored inside itself, and forgave myself for choosing to "hang out" and give energy to my rapist and my son's father; who truly had raped me energetically all these 6 years. Now, I can say that my choice was my choice, and in this I let it go, and can start to love myself as I truly need once again.
What's next is to protect my energy, continue to clear it, wear crystals in my bra, around my neck, continue to sleep with them, work with other healers to cleanse my aura and spirit body at a profound level to raise my vibration to what it was before, and even higher, and go to healing retreats, spend time in union with other healers, and so much more! I will now protect myself at a greater level with clients, and be much more selective with whom I allow in Session with me one on one, and perhaps take to additional work in writing, Phone Life Coaching or email Coaching and Yoga! I will be completing my Credentials this fall and have been invited as a special Guest in India for a Healing Retreat. My intention is to be there, come high or come water, and allow the abundance to come! I am praying to Ma Durga for protection and working with a Sufi Mystic for continued cleansing as well. I am truly grateful for prayer, other Healers, and the allowing of true love and healing to come in!
This IS a time of celebration!