Yesterday was my first day of actually choosing to receive a Healing Treatment specifically designed in healing a rape. I went back to my old therapist with the stand "I am now ready! I do not want this impacting my life any longer." Because in reality, I know it was impacting every interaction I made, very decision I made, every decision and my way of being with clients, my son, his father, my parents, my brothers, my finances, my work, my artistic expression, my friends, my style of living, my monthly bills, even my spiritual practice, style of dress, my ability or lack of ability in making decisions and perhaps more.
EMDR is the method my old therapist uses and is specialized in, and in particular is specialized in this form in trauma. Now, everything makes sense. The rapes I experienced in high school were minor compared to this. They were more about a young girl who was too shy to speak my truth, not physically strong enough, or unable to stand up for myself and had trouble getting someone off of me. They were certainly violating and scary for a young woman, but this time, it was a major violation. This young man, and someone I thought I cared about actually grew up to become a rapist and in my therapists eyes, "a psychopath", and someone who will probably never heal his reasons or actions in doing so; someone I had hoped would make good decisions and be a kind person in our society, but instead, he turned out to be someone all women be aware of and stay away. He drugged me to unconscious and I had no control in my actions or words. I was silent and completely passed out. I have little memory of the event. He committed a real act of sexual violence, and as the blood poured out of me for a month after it happened, so is now my blood pouring out of my heart, my soul and my spirit body.
During the EMDR, I watched the energy releasing out of my head, my neck and my face, but in particular, deep inside on the right side of my vagina; the front right side, all the way right side and back right side. I watched, intuitively, the energy releasing out of this area and coming down my leg to leave me; as if there was an entity, invisible, stuck inside me I was totally unaware of. Now, I can finally, for the first time, be a stand for removing that which truly was keeping me back.
Everything is energy, and now as the energy leaves me and pours into the earth, I can come back to my passions and help others who need to do the same. I have done energy clearing for this the past 5 years, otherwise, I would have had no drive to be sexual at all, but this time we got to the core of it where I can truly walk the path of being free; and only I will know when that is, but yesterday was a huge start.
I am much older and wiser now and I know the power of these healing modalities and instead of keeping them to myself, as if they are a secret, I am here to share all of their power with you.
As a bonus, yesterday in giving a session, a tantra healing actually, I noticed the triggering was much less and I was able to perform in ways I haven't been able for quite some time. the only thing that did bother me after a while, was the muscles in my arm, but a massage can help heal that. I know my client was grateful. However, the spiritually minded are those who I will only work with, but I think that's a good thing!
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